School sadness

I thought I found a school perfectly suited for me... But on my 2nd taster day my anxiety rose right up and all I wanted to do was go home and cry.

By Ida Anderson

For so long, I had given up hope that I'd ever find a school suited for me, I had missed 3 years and have received no qualifications. Plus, most schools don't go above the age of 18. However, a few weeks ago, I got introduced into this one school and it sounded absolutely perfect. It was small, quiet and the teachers seemed so friendly and understanding.

My first taster day went well, it involved me talking to a teacher and seeing what the other students have been up to. There wasn't much doing work and altogether it was a chilled day. However, today was my 2nd taster day and the teacher wanted me to contribute for the Christmas fayre that they're working on. I found this extremely scary and my anxiety went off the roof. And towards the end of the day I was really trying to hold back some tears.

The day started off by me saying goodbye to my mum and sitting down with all the other students. I felt very timid and sat there in silence, listening to everyone else.

About 10 minutes later, we went up to the main school room. I didn't know what to do or where to sit, so I just stood by the door looking lost. The teacher finally told me where to go and he explained what would be happening today. He had a few suggestions for what I could do and asked me what I would be good at. However, I thought I would be useless at everything and just shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what to do.

The school is doing a Christmas fayre and they wanted to make a countdown. The teacher thought I could help with it and told me to take pictures of numbers. It may have sounded easy enough, but I hate taking pictures or being creative near other people. This is because it makes me feel very insecure and I worry that people will judge me. I didn't want to tell the teacher how uncomfortable the task made me, so I did it anyway but all the while I was getting more and more anxious and feeling very upset and unhappy.

The teacher found some Christmas decorations that I could make numbers with. I started making numbers out of these beads and took a few photos of them. A little later on, I was getting stuck with some of the harder numbers to make. And since I was too scared to tell the teacher that I was stuck, I played on my phone and texted with my boyfriend.

I haven't been to a school in years and I forgot how scary I find them. The whole situation made me feel very alone. And although the teachers were extremely nice, I was too scared to tell them how overwhelmed I was. I just didn't want to talk to anyone, nor make eye contact with them. I kept checking the time, waiting for my mum to come as all I wanted to do was to go home and cry. When my mum came, we had to sit down and speak with someone from the school office. I felt so uncomfortable and was so desperately trying to hold in my tears. My mum noticed and said she would let them know later how I had got on when she had a chance to speak to me.

I was really looking forward to this school and possibly making new friends and finally getting an education. But now my anxiety has taken over and I feel extremely hopeless. It makes me feel like I won't find a school suited for me, nor have opportunities to socialise with people my own age. And I just don't know what to do anymore.

Feel free to let me know what you think!

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